Daciana, my second child, will be one year old this Thursday. I could continue with a cliche, like "time flies," but I already did that. I have tried to be in the moment with her as much as I could, trying to balance my attention with everyone else in the house. It is very hard.
I have talked to other Mamas about maternal guilt and they have all encouraged me to know I am doing the best I can and to not let guilt have any of my precious time. This is also a hard thing.
Advice has been given to "Make time for yourself." This is possibly the hardest thing to even think of.
I know that Motherhood is a very difficult position for a woman to be in. I chose this. I wanted this. I got it, I am in it. I love my girls, and at times, they are very....challenging. Life is constantly testing me. Right now, I feel like I am failing. I have a wonderfully crafted sickness that involves much mucus and constantly hacking up a lung, which lowers my energy to zero. Mothers don't get sick days - we don't have the time! I am already behind on everything, why do I have to get sick now? *cough*cough*wheeeeze*
I know. I can hear you yelling, "This is just a test! You can pass it!" And then along comes an email from a dear friend (here is an excerpt):
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"We really need moms just like you, the ones who have had such diverse challenges and experiences, and are setting such a good examples for other moms to follow. It gives them hope and faith that breastfeeding and committed mothering really do work and payoff with great rewards.
"It’s my pleasure and privilege to be with you and the girls ~ they are such precious angels and YOU are such a wonderful role model of good mothering. I have used you and [Daciana] as good examples of kangaroo mothering many times. The time I spent with you at the LLL [La Leche League] conference seemed miraculous ~ I’ve never been around a baby for that long w/out hearing them cry ~ multiple times. {I wish I’d known about it when I was a young mom.}
"I think you’re probably really wise to realize that the meeting environment can be a challenge for Anastasia ~ I wish more moms were as tuned in to their children’s needs as you are!!! This world would be a much better place."
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I took the girls to the last La Leche League meeting which was at night and kind of last minute, so no time to prepare Anastasia in my expectations of her, and since we are no longer a breastfeeding pair (it's all for Daciana now), she didn't have anything to do or look forward to. It got a little crazy. There were lots of little babies and she wanted to play with them all like she does her one year old sister. So we left the meeting early after I warned her many times to chill out. Future LLL meetings will also become another Daddy-Daughter night.
God only gives you what He knows you can handle. I know this to be true because I am still alive. My life - and all its "adventures" - has made me stronger, and I don't think I am done yet. At least I hope not.
